don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
