grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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