someone get that fucking seahorse.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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