I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
