hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
