I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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