Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
