im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
