I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
