Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Randomize
