i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
