UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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