He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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