Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
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Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
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MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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