the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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