I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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