Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
we're so committed to being not committed
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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