I wish I could teleport
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
