i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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