Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
