I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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