I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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