He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
