i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
