I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
