I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
