I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
