walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
