Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
