Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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