dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
