Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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