bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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