mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
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At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
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I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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