An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just want nice things and good sex
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
