She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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