I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
