i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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