I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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