I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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