I hate all girls vehemently.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
