You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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