to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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