thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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