Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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