Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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