Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
