After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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