I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
