Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
