Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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