My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
