I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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