dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
