SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
