last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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