i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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