Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
