His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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