thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
