$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You may now shotgun with the bride
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
