I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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