plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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