Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
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i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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