we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
